It’s a miracle you’re still alive (suicidal ideation)

Hi. What a title, huh?

Well, here we are.

I’m a psychologist, and this is an article about suicide for people who don’t want to kill themselves, but still find themselves saying things like: 

• I’m just so tired
• I don’t know if I can keep going
• I just want to sleep forever
• This is too hard
• I don’t know how to keep doing this
• I’m in too much pain
• I wish I could just disappear
• What if I stepped closer to the edge of the platform, what if I got into a car crash, … 
• I wonder what they would say at my funeral
• People are better off without me. No one would care
• If I go through with this, they have to believe me
• If I kill myself, they can’t act like I was okay anymore
• I don’t want to die, but… 
• I would never go through with it because [insert person you love or thing you care about], but sometimes I…

I see you. I feel you. I was you. 

All of these thoughts are a pretty big deal. They can be classed as “suicidal ideation”. Let’s talk about it.

Suicide is a very big word 

Wait – what?

Suicide might feel like a very big word to you. Maybe you want to tell me: “nonono, you’ve got it wrong, that’s not what is going on here”.

Maybe you don’t really want to die, but you’re exhausted and you wish you could just stop existing. That is something to pay attention to. So we will, here in this article.

Did you know that thoughts about suicide are actually pretty common? They are called suicidal ideation in psychologist speak.

There is even a thing called passive suicidal ideation, where you don’t really want to do anything about your suicidal thoughts, but you also don’t want to be around anymore. 

Active suicidal ideation is a step further, when you have started making plans, purchasing things, or putting your affairs in order – if this is you, please save your life and reach out to someone. 

Suicidal thoughts are more common than you think

While we don’t really talk about suicide, thoughts about wanting to die are more common than you might think. 

In 2022, around 13.2 million adults in the US genuinely considered ending their own lives. 3.8 million Americans made plans to kill themselves, and about 1.6 million tried to go through with it and end their lives¹. 

As a psychologist, I think there is something missing in the discussion of suicide:

If you have had a hard time in your life, what if it’s a fair reaction to think: I don’t want to be here anymore.

What if that is not crazy or “bad”, but just a normal reaction to trauma and pain, and exhaustion? 

I am not saying, yup, go for it, let’s just end this.

I want you to stick around, I want you to be alive.

What I am saying is that fantasizing about not being around is a symptom of things being too hard, too much, for too long.

But wouldn’t it suck if the thing that is hard won?

If the end result was that you killed yourself, and you wouldn’t get to be around anymore? I don’t want that for you.

Client stories: What makes people suicidal?

I am a psychologist. My clients tell me things they don’t tell other people. Sometimes, my clients are tired of living.

Why would you be suicidal? Some of my clients say things are so hard, they wish it would all just stop. It’s not that they actively want to unalive themselves, but there is a “what if” question on their minds. 

Surviving trauma and abuse

People want to die for all sorts of reasons, because there are all sorts of reasons that make life to hard to bear.

But as an example, I have clients who are divorcing abusive husbands or wives. That shit is hard, right? Officially one of the harder things you can go through in a lifetime.

Wouldn’t it suck if their abuser “won”? If the abuser got to stick around and keep hurting and manipulating, but my wonderful clients didn’t make it? Fuck no to that. Professionally speaking.

As an aside, if you find yourself in this situation: One thing I know about you is that you are resilient as fuck. You are clearly an interesting and wonderful human. Narcissists and toxic people target the best of people, not the weak ones like victim blaming and stereotypes suggest. In case no one told you yet.

Late-diagnosed ADHD/Autism/AuDHD

Let me share another story. A lot of my clients are neurodivergent, but had no idea until they were in their 30s, 40s, or 50s. By this time, life has gotten complex and exhausting. Navigating a neurotypical world without any neurodivergent-friendly tools is hard as hell.

For some of my clients, the exhaustion from Autistic burnout gets so big, they wish it would all just stop. They ask: Why is existing and managing life so hard for me, when others just…do it? Why can’t I do what they do – why does everything cost me so much energy?

Being Autistic or having ADHD is hard. It makes literal existence harder, because your brain is always feeling, seeing, processing more. If that makes you want to curl up in a ball, turn off the world and sleep for a very long time, that makes sense to me.

You’re tired. And still, stick around. Please. 

What if this really was hard? 

Maybe your situation is different, and you’re not neurodivergent or going through abuse. That’s okay. There are plenty of reasons why life can be too hard to tolerate. Whatever your reason is, it is valid. You make sense.

What I am trying to say is that this is hard. What if you are not making excuses? What if you are not overreacting? Nothing has gone wrong – you make sense. You are not losing it. If life feels hard, that is because it is hard for you right now. Not because you are being dramatic or weak or stupid. 

Don’t gaslight yourself about this. If you are in so much pain you fantasize about no longer existing, you are officially in a lot of pain, okay?

That is not how humans are meant to live. Not everyone feels this way. You shouldn’t have to feel this way either. 

It sucks to be suicidal. It sucks to feel so exhausted or depressed or hurt that you just want it all to stop. 

And all this means is that you are not okay right now.

It doesn’t mean that these suicidal thoughts are telling you the truth about what you should do. They are not pointing to the correct solution. Suicide is not the answer. We don’t listen to those suicidal thoughts for advice and action steps, okay? 

Instead, let’s see your suicidal thoughts for what they are: a symptom of not being fine. Let’s focus on what is making life so hard, because you are not crazy, something is off.

Some days, all you do is save your life 

I remember a night when I didn’t want to be here anymore.

Do you know what kept me alive in that moment? Waffles.

I got myself out of my bathroom and away from any dangerous objects. I walked into the kitchen instead. I made waffles with warm cherries on top.

Premade waffles and cherries from a can, mind you. In case you thought I had the energy to whip up waffle dough when I wanted to stop existing. 

I pulled up a chair to the stove, took the first bite of my waffle, and thought: This is worth sticking around for.

Waffles with hot cherries saved my life, one random Saturday night.

But really, I saved my life. You don’t have to attempt suicide and stop it to have officially saved your life. 

Sometimes, the only thing you do in a day is keep yourself alive.

Which means you saved your life.

Woah.

You did that.

Talk to someone, talk to me

If you want to talk to someone, suicide hotlines can be a bit hit and miss – but as a rule of thumb, it doesn’t matter, talk to someone.

We are dealing with saving your life here, so when in doubt, call the hotline, tell a friend, do something. Throw yourself a lifeline. That is what saving your life looks like.

Even if you are bargaining with yourself and deciding to hold off on your plans and stick around another day. Or maybe until the weekend. You can take this one step at a time.

And hey, by the way, whoever you are telling about your suicidal thoughts should make you feel safe and validated. If they don’t, it doesn’t mean anything bad about you; most people just don’t know how to hold pain like that. 

How will you save your life today?

If talking to someone doesn’t feel possible or safe, you can keep yourself busy until the urge passes.

I mean, literally; keep your hands busy, keep yourself away from dangerous spaces and objects. 

I know someone who lay herself down in bed for a few days and barely moved, because she was scared to go near the windows in her apartment.

It worked. She is still here. She saved her life, and it looked like a person being lazy and doing nothing for a few days.

Keeping yourself busy to save your life is an entirely reasonable strategy. Frankly, I don’t care what you do as long as it works.

You could watch Netflix, or clean the kitchen, or order an absurd amount of sushi. Just pick anything that helps you pass the time and maybe has some joy potential. Did I mention waffles?

If what you are doing feels random, that is okay. You are experimenting with ways to keep yourself alive, we are taking whatever works here.

In the end, you will be making it through another day. That is what counts. 

Alternatively, you can go here to find a suicide hotline for your country.

Either way, please do something. 

I don’t want you to die by suicide. Maybe you don’t really want to either. 

It doesn’t have to feel like this forever. You can wake up excited again.

I want you to stick around. You got this. 

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1. Peterson C, Sussell A, Li J, Schumacher PK, Yeoman K, Stone DM. Suicide Rates by Industry and Occupation — National Violent Death Reporting System, 32 States, 2016. MMWR Morb Mortal Wkly Rep 2020;69:57–62. DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.15585/mmwr.mm6903a1 ↩︎